Friday, May 19, 2017

why title matters anyway?

19 May 2017

Final exam is approaching.

I'm not sure how I'm going to face my last presentation for my FYP.

I screwed it.

I never met my SV, which was suicide mission.

She looked terribly disappointed with me. and I am hating myself, regretting for being such ignorant and bullshit.

and yeah, I'm glad we submitted all assignments and there will be no more assignments after this!


but FYP is haunting me. I just have 5 days more to make up everything.

I really hope I could pass thing single thing. This is the only thing that keep me from graduation.

and yeah, today, I'm having fever. A hot one.

to summarize my sad story, I'm broke for 5 days.

I don't have any single cent with me.

I dont have any money.

I ate maggie everyday.

luckily I have some fast food to keep me alive.

and for the past few days I've been eating mee goreng.

day 1 : someone pay for me because she has rm5 debt to me
day 2 : I borrow someone's money
day 3 : I found RM 10 in my notebook

and today, I'm having a flu and fever.

so yeah. my life is worst than ever.

So I called my mom, to tell her about our exam schedule is out, I want to buy a flight ticket and some money too, I was planning to ask them to borrow me some money for me to angkut bawah kek lapis balik because I'm thinking bigggg and very ambitious about my business.

ang guess what.

she never failed every single time in our phone call to make my heart shuttered into pieces and crying so hard.

I cried after we hung up la.

She never call me anyway.

My father also never call me.

Just never.

that's why I am a bit confused whenever I saw my friends getting phone calls from family.

why did their parents call them anyway ?

I don't know the answer.

So as usual, she dont have anything to say unless I'm initiating the question first, then we'll talk about some random boring things and she'll end up the phone call as she always have something else to do, she's in hurry to where ever she wanted to go, I dont know.

"eh ok lah. I need to do something else ni"

"eh dah lah. I need to cook ni"

"hmm tu jelah ye. I need to do this and this and this"


Honestly, every time I end my call with her, I feel like the most unfortunate daughter in the world and promises to myself that I won't call her anymore !

It just so frustrating and disappointing.

I hardly can cry over a thing, but I cried a lot because of her, after talking to her, listening to how she downgraded me, how she whining about how careless I was, how ungrateful I was

It's been a while since we live together for a long time.

4 years, I spent most of my adult life here, thousands kilometer from home.

I'm not sure whether I'm ready go back home.

Because I really hate for who I was when I'm at home.

I am sick, broken and sad.

all I can do is laying on my bed (this is not even my college), crying and distracting myself from being overthinking.

I hate crying because people can obviously see it on my face just as they can see if I disliking anything.

I ate maggie for breakfast and havent have anything yet.

And at this period of time, I really need to shut every whatsapps group and instagram stories because seeing my friends (they claim we're close) having fun and fun and fun is just making my fever even worst.

I have no one else to talk about this.

I cant use instagram, that place is for fun. No one bother about your sorrow and pitiful self.

 I cant use twitter, I don't want silent reader.

I cant use facebook. everyone is there.

I dont have any friends with me right now. And I dont like telling people how I am hating myself right now.

and yeah, I'm super scary on what will happened to my fyp when my sv asked me this

"Sem depan ada lagi kan?"



so yeah.

thats my story.



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