Saturday, May 20, 2017
I cried so hard because it just so fucking hurt.
Both my head and heart are so fucking hurt.
After I took a painkiller, I just went to sleep and woke up this morning. I am fine.
After sembahyang subuh, I wanted to continue my reading and writing for this one fella, the FYP.
I make time to text Farina. She's the only one who I can trust and will understand me.
I told her everything, from how pathetic I am having no money at all, how hurt I am with my mother,
how terrible my condition, and how sad am I.
She directly asked me my account number, planning to give me some money.
I can say nothing. I cannot refused her because I really need money.
I ate maggie almost everyday.
And yeah, thats my diet.
After a while, she gave me a screenshot, showing that she transfered RM100 to my account.
And I couldn't help myself but to cry even harder.
We've gone through many things together, and we knew how pain it was to not having any money in campus life.
We used to treated each other. Some nasi, leftover nasi from her stall, starbuck, and some tomyam.
I'm hardly cry for any other hardship I'll face in life.
But this, the family. They're exceptional.
I refused to answer their call for three days when she scolded me for being careless and I lost my phone.
They called Farina ( we were housemates) repeatedly in a day.
And I refused to answer them.
call me derhaka or what, I have my right to be silent.
Once, I was so mad and leave home immediately and came back at a very late hour.
I dont care, because they never bother.
I wont wake up early in the morning because I dont want to meet them.
and they dont bother.
They never bother to ask me when I'm going back to here, until I told them "esok nak balik"
and they were surprised. "so fast eh?"
and once, she was mad at me for not telling her when I'm going back.
hey, you dont bother to ask anything about me at the first place, never bother to listen to what I'm going to say, so why bother now.
and every second of life that I'm using their money, I feel the burning desire inside me wanted to be economically independent ASAP.
my head ache again from crying too much.
written by Eternal Love Seeker at 6:09 PM
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Friday, May 19, 2017
Final exam is approaching.
I'm not sure how I'm going to face my last presentation for my FYP.
I screwed it.
I never met my SV, which was suicide mission.
She looked terribly disappointed with me. and I am hating myself, regretting for being such ignorant and bullshit.
and yeah, I'm glad we submitted all assignments and there will be no more assignments after this!
but FYP is haunting me. I just have 5 days more to make up everything.
I really hope I could pass thing single thing. This is the only thing that keep me from graduation.
and yeah, today, I'm having fever. A hot one.
to summarize my sad story, I'm broke for 5 days.
I don't have any single cent with me.
I dont have any money.
I ate maggie everyday.
luckily I have some fast food to keep me alive.
and for the past few days I've been eating mee goreng.
day 1 : someone pay for me because she has rm5 debt to me
day 2 : I borrow someone's money
day 3 : I found RM 10 in my notebook
and today, I'm having a flu and fever.
so yeah. my life is worst than ever.
So I called my mom, to tell her about our exam schedule is out, I want to buy a flight ticket and some money too, I was planning to ask them to borrow me some money for me to angkut bawah kek lapis balik because I'm thinking bigggg and very ambitious about my business.
ang guess what.
she never failed every single time in our phone call to make my heart shuttered into pieces and crying so hard.
I cried after we hung up la.
She never call me anyway.
My father also never call me.
that's why I am a bit confused whenever I saw my friends getting phone calls from family.
why did their parents call them anyway ?
I don't know the answer.
So as usual, she dont have anything to say unless I'm initiating the question first, then we'll talk about some random boring things and she'll end up the phone call as she always have something else to do, she's in hurry to where ever she wanted to go, I dont know.
"eh ok lah. I need to do something else ni"
"eh dah lah. I need to cook ni"
"hmm tu jelah ye. I need to do this and this and this"
IN EVERY SINGLE PHONE CALL
Honestly, every time I end my call with her, I feel like the most unfortunate daughter in the world and promises to myself that I won't call her anymore !
It just so frustrating and disappointing.
I hardly can cry over a thing, but I cried a lot because of her, after talking to her, listening to how she downgraded me, how she whining about how careless I was, how ungrateful I was
It's been a while since we live together for a long time.
4 years, I spent most of my adult life here, thousands kilometer from home.
I'm not sure whether I'm ready go back home.
Because I really hate for who I was when I'm at home.
I am sick, broken and sad.
all I can do is laying on my bed (this is not even my college), crying and distracting myself from being overthinking.
I hate crying because people can obviously see it on my face just as they can see if I disliking anything.
I ate maggie for breakfast and havent have anything yet.
And at this period of time, I really need to shut every whatsapps group and instagram stories because seeing my friends (they claim we're close) having fun and fun and fun is just making my fever even worst.
I have no one else to talk about this.
I cant use instagram, that place is for fun. No one bother about your sorrow and pitiful self.
I cant use twitter, I don't want silent reader.
I cant use facebook. everyone is there.
I dont have any friends with me right now. And I dont like telling people how I am hating myself right now.
and yeah, I'm super scary on what will happened to my fyp when my sv asked me this
"Sem depan ada lagi kan?"
no maam. I NEVER HAD ANY PLAN TO EXTEND MY 4 YEARS LIVING HERE.
thats my story.
written by Eternal Love Seeker at 5:53 PM
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